Typing 2010 isn't going to be easy (2024)

Rory Ryan 31 December 2009

In putting together the pages of the first 2010 edition of Highland County’s only locally owned and locally operated newspaper, one thing occurred to me right from the get-go: It is far easier for a one-digit typist to type 2009 than it is for him to type 2010.
And if you don’t believe me, just give it a try. For 2009, once you type in the 2, the rest is simple. The two zeros and the nine are adjacent keys. Whereas, when typing 2010, the one-finger wonder has to leap back and forth across the keyboard no less than four times. I’m already not happy with the new year.
But I’ll get over it. Probably around April. No foolin’.
If nothing else, however, the turning of the calendar does allow the opportunity for the obligatory, if not mandatory, New Year’s revolutions. Forgive me. I meant New Year’s resolutions, of course. For a moment there, I was quoting my old pal Ratchethead Ledbottom, who used to give me his unsolicited listing of what he called “New Year’s Revolutions” each and every January for the past three decades.
Sometime shortly after Gutenberg, the man of the previous millennium no less, invented movable type in the 1400s, it was written that “Henceforth, all newspaper columnists must present each January a set of resolutions for the new year.” Johannes was kind enough to add that all such resolutions must include an ounce or two of sarcasm, a couple of dashes of satire and a pinch of irreverence just for fun.
But back to Mr. Ledbottom. One of the things Ratch vowed to give up every January was “drinkin’.” And by February of each year, he would somehow manage to break that traditional “revolution.” He also promised to quit gambling on the lottery, lose weight, eat healthier foods, exercise more, and be nice to stray cats and dogs. He had equal success with those resolutions, too.
I often think of Ratchethead, especially this time of year. Sometimes, I think, he’d be a good man to lead a revolution. Or resolution. Be that as it is, let’s get on with it, shall we? Being that this is the initial publication of 2010, and being that December 2009 came to a stellar conclusion with a blue moon on New Year’s Eve, it wouldn’t be proper to avoid the traditional resolution column. So, here are mine:
Resolution 10: With a little willpower, I will learn to make lemonade when dealt a handful of lemons. I made this same resolution on Jan. 1 two years ago and broke it by Jan. 3. But as the old ball coach said, “He who angers you owns you.”
Resolution 9: I resolve to visit The Rocks more often.
Resolution 8: One of the things we talk about at the newspaper office is thanking you, our readers and our wonderful advertisers. Without the one, we won’t have the other. So, thank you. Thank you for reading The Highland County Press and thank you for advertising in your locally owned newspaper. We really do appreciate it.
Resolution 7: A few of our readers have commented on one of our standing “house ads,” which proclaims the HCP to be a “sasquatch-free work place.” Indeed, we are. And under no circ*mstances, will the professionals at Sasquatch Control Inc., LLC, add the aardwolf to the species we, I mean they, will eradicate for a certain fee. We (they) have already added the Florida skunk ape, the West Virginia black bear and the Siberian yeti to the problem animals which we (they) can permanently eliminate. And, yes, we did eradicate a certain large genus rattus from our Main Street premises late last summer.
Resolution 6: I will curse less and smile more in 2010. (Really!)
Resolution 5: At some point in 2010, I’ll publicly identify a certain thief (or two) in the night (or mid-afternoon, in some cases). They know who they are.
Resolution 4: In 2010, I’ll devote at least one column that will attempt to explain why Big Business and Big Government have nothing to do with partisan politics and everything to do with power and money. Your money. Big Government likes Big Business because it’s easy to manipulate. Much easier, in fact, than trying to manipulate thousands upon thousands of small businesses. That’s why Wall Street gave more to Democrats than Republicans in each of the last two major elections. They saw the handwriting on the wall. And whether they purchased a seat with a McCain or an Obama, really didn’t matter.
Resolution 3: Before anyone misinterprets Resolution 4, let it be known that five years ago, I wrote of a former Ohio GOP governor: “Bob Taft may be the King Mallard of all Lame Duck politicians. He hiked business taxes by $400 million and state spending rose faster than the combined rates of inflation and population growth. Taft was one of the highest-taxing governors in the nation.”
(That’s something to think about before being unduly partisan in criticizing Gov. Strickland’s handling of the state budget.)
Resolution 2: I resolve to send the following to the governor: Hi, Ted. Hope things are well in the mansion. Please note what happened to Ohio when the former governor raised taxes and failed to rein in spending. Ohio needs to support small businesses, family owned businesses and family farms – now, more than ever. Please take the leadership role in this initiative. Thanks. (Your old pal from southern Ohio.)
Resolution 1: I resolve to learn how to type in 2010. (Not!) Seriously, I do resolve to climb back on the Notre Dame football bandwagon now that Brian Kelly is in and Charlie Weis is out. Go Irish!
Happy New Year, everyone. And thanks for reading. We appreciate it.
Rory Ryan is publisher and editor of The Highland County Press.[[In-content Ad]]